15 Years Later...

Sitting here, home alone, on a Sunday, unfortunately gives me too much time to think...because, well, I'm not doing anything else...don't have anyone else to talk to, or here at all for the matter...
 July 13th...I hate this date, but wait, wasn't my last post just about making choices to be happy? For some reason I seem unable to let go and be happy about this event. I know that this date, 15 years ago, set things in motion that made my life better. However, for some reason I am bitter about what happened to me. When someone walked out of my life I held on to that feeling, that fear, and applied it to many situations that later occurred. I would push people away because it was easier than having them choose to leave, which I figured they would inevitably do. I've had many friends that I was too afraid of getting close to and being rejected because it's just easier to be comfortable alone.
I was blessed with a dad that came into my life and was a great role model. He is involved in my life, shows me how a man should love his wife, treats my sister and I wonderfully. Somehow I still worried. Not that he would leave, he had proven faithful, but I still worried that something was wrong with me and that I wasn't enough. Why else would a girl's father, someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally and put your needs first, leave.
Luckily, I also met one man that loved me enough let me try pushing him away and still stuck around. He is constantly reassuring me that I am enough. However, I still tend to push when I get mad. Lately, I have realized that I am mad. I think it's a natural part of grieving. I think that it has hit me recently that I've had another man in my life leave. This time it wasn't his choice, it wasn't mine, no one had a choice in the matter, but I've still had a loss. My little man was taken from me, I didn't get to know him. I think what makes it even harder is how much I wanted a son for my husband.
So let this be the year. For some reason, I've let this bitterness eat away at me and ruin far too much. Now, instead of mourning a loss of someone who chose to leave...for whatever reason. I will choose to mourn the loss of someone who was taken. I know my son would have had moments where he wouldn't have wanted to be with me...when he would have chosen to leave, but I know he would have stayed. I will instead focus on what I do have instead of what I don't. I have a son waiting for me in heaven.