8. How have you suffered in secret about your loss? I will tell people Wendy is my only child or won't bring up Murphy to avoid making people uncomfortable.
What feelings have you locked away? Feeling like he was part of our earthly family.
Describe your empty picture frame. How do you feel when you look at it? When I look at pictures of Wendy all around our home I feel like there are invisible pictures missing of Murphy.
9. Take a few moments to reflect on your child. How old would he or she be now? What do you think he or she would be like? Murphy wouldn't have been born yet. I think he would have been feisty and lively, but a mellow baby.
Certain dates may trigger happy-sad emotions about your child. Some people may grieve these dates silently, while others find it helpful to express their grief through planting a tree or giving to a special cause in memory of their child. What is your plan? I know that Thanksgiving will be hard. Thankfully I will have my husband and daughter. I will also be going to my family's lunch and my husband's for dinner.
Write a letter to your child in heaven. Ask questions. Share your feelings.
Dear Murphy,
I miss you every day my sweet boy. I know your daddy, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins miss you too! I often imagine what you would look like. I think you would look just like your daddy, but with my blue eyes and curly hair. Your sister has curly hair too, but she has her daddy's eyes. I think the two of you would have gotten in a lot of trouble together, you would have driven each other crazy, but you would have take care of each other too. I think that's what hurts the most. I know Wendy was so excited to be a big sister and I know your daddy was so excited to have a little man in the house. What brings me peace is knowing that we will all be in heaven together for eternity. Sometimes waiting to hold you in my arms is hard. I'm so glad that we got to hold you the day you were born, even if you were already gone. I'm glad we got to name you and honor you with a service to lay you to rest. I'm glad we have a place to visit you, but know you are always with us. I hope that we can add to our earthly family. I know that your dad and I both have some guilt about this, but I know you will send us a healthy baby boy. He will learn about his big brother and love you too!
10. God created you and your spouse different and unique. How does each of you express grief differently? Brett seeks out social settings, he enjoys being with people. I'm more withdrawn and like to be "alone" with my husband and daughter or even by myself.
How has your loss created distance between you and your spouse? Drawn you closer? It has done both at times. In the very beginning we were close because we were both so lost and had to lean on one another. Then it hit a point where we at different points and didn't know how to cross over to seeing it through each other's eyes. We have gone to counseling and are back to communicating more effectively.
Complete the following sentence: I feel loved and encouraged when...you spend time with me, I know time is a precious commodity, but when you are with me I know I am important.
Grief over the loss of your child will affect your relationship. Some marriages may become weakened from the stress, while others are strengthened by pulling together through adversity. Guard your marriage and seek help from your pastor, another couple who has survived the loss of a child, or a grief counselor. What is your plan? We plan to continue counseling.
11. What questions remain unanswered about your loss? Why I lost Murphy.
Are there resources, people, or professionals who may have answers? What steps could you take to seek solutions? We got as many answers as we will ever get from doctors, we did blood tests on Murphy and myself.
How might it feel to never get answers? It makes me nervous about trying again because I'm afraid I will lose another baby.
12. How have you recently expressed healthy, righteous anger over your loss? Trying to create change. Unhealthy anger? I've had a lot of misplaced anger and unfortunately Brett was getting the brunt of it.
What do you feel is behind your anger? Disappointment? Envy? Expectations? Guilt? Physical exhaustion? Fear? Rejection? I would say all of the above.
Tell God how you feel. Write a letter to Him and share your heart.
Dear God,
It has been over three months since I lost my little Murphy. It's approaching the time that I would have prepared for Murphy's birth. At times it seems like it is getting easier and then another wave will knock me off my feet. I know I have questions and I may never get answers, but at least help me accept life as I now know it. Help me be the mother I'm supposed to be to Wendy and any future children. Please also help me be the wife I am called to be for my husband. Let me use this loss to glorify you Lord and point people to you.
13. How have you blamed yourself for the loss of your child? I go over what could have cause Murphy's placenta to detach. I think about how I should have been better about taking my vitamins, going to the doctor when I didn't feel well, resting, eating better. I know those things didn't cause the death of my child, but the still have a way of causing guilt in my heart and mind.
14. How have you experienced God's silence in your grief journey? How does that make you feel? When God didn't intervene between being at the doctor's office and not seeing a heartbeat and being at the hospital where they checked again before starting labor it made me feel hopeless.
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