#GiveThanks

Ha. Last night I was anything, but thankful. While my husband mowed, I had washed all the dishes, put them away, did all the laundry and got it put away, cleaned the dishwasher, cleaned the microwave, cleaned the oven, cleaned the fridge, cleaned the bathroom while my husband cleaned his, had my husband clean the kitchen, and cleaned the washing machine...at first we were cleaning up and preparing for vacation, but somewhere along the cleaning I morphed into a crazy person and was trying to clean the entire house from top to bottom, why this mad cleaning? It hit me as I took a five minute break, I was nesting...and my heart broke. I would have been twenty-five weeks this Saturday, perfect nesting time. However, I am not twenty-five weeks pregnant, instead my body has been trying to figure out that it lost a baby seven weeks ago.
When I hear the word "thankful" I tend to think of Thanksgiving, which also causes my heart to ache, this is when my little boy should have been born, not in the middle of June.
But as I sit here typing this, during one of my few quiet moments that I take advantage of while W is building at her tool bench and watching Elmo, I know exactly why I am Thankful. (As I type this my thankfulness comes over to sit on my lap...sweet, right? Well she had a loaded diaper...thankful, thankful, thankful.) I'm not thankful because everything has gone as planned in my life...I'm thankful for God's plan for my life! Was my life always easy? No, but I've had many blessings! I'm thankful that I was raised in an amazing family, that I'm surrounded by wonderful friends, that God sent me an awesome husband that loves me, and that God has blessed me with my children, whether I have them for a short time or a long time they have changed my life!
#GiveThanks. I have to remember, even though I lost my sweet baby M, I have an ornery, smart, lovely little girl. Sometimes I get so swept up in grief that I have to be reminded to be thankful for the life I have. When I am reminded I feel guilty! Wouldn't a good mom love on her daughter whole heartedly, am I a bad mom for missing my son? No, I'm not a bad mom. I'm a mom split in two. A mom who's heart is here on Earth and in Heaven. I hope to have another baby or more babies in my future. However, some of my heart will always be in Heaven.
But even with a heart split in two, I give thanks! I give thanks for the time I have with my kiddos, not matter how short or no matter how long (even when they shout "No!").