Friday morning we dropped Wendy off at Millie's. It was a weird feeling leaving one child to go plan how lay your other child to rest. Thankfully our parents went with us to the funeral home. We held it together as we discussed newspaper obituaries, programs, graveside service, and pastor, but as the director brought out the teeny, tiny casket I lost it. Brett's moment was when we talked about what colors for flowers and I suggested black and gold since he's nursery would have been MU. It clicks for me how hard losing the thought of his son going to MU and being an Ag Sig must be for my husband. After planning a date and time, we went to start looking at plots. You always think you and your husband will have time to think about where you and your family will set up their final resting place, but life doesn't always go according to plan. One cemetery was all we could get through. We decided to take the rest of the day for our daughter. We had a nap, lunch, and took her swimming. She's has an odd couple days and I don't want her to be forgotten or neglected in all this madness.
Saturday we looked at plot spaces. I don't know very many twenty-five year olds that know where they are going to be laid to rest. Murphy will be on daddy's side. Brett and I took Wendy to eat out, our first public apparence. We tucked ourselves in a corner and avoided any and all eye contact, it was a start. My milk had also come in at this point, this was hard for me...another reminder that my body was confused.
I have to mention our parents pain as well. Most people understand that the mother is distraught, she has had the life of a child taken from her body. Some people are good to understand that a father is distroyed, he has lost the life that he helped create. However, grandparents tend to get over looked. Our parents were hurting on multiple levels. First, they had lost a grandchild, a precious gift. Second, their own child was stricken with a pain they couldn't fix. Extended family hurts for us!
Sunday we went to church and afterwards our pastor and his wife came over to talk to us about Murphy's graveside service. Murphy's obituary was also in the paper, I don't think I can find words to start to describe the hurt you feel when you see it in print.
Monday Brett went back to work, I'm not sure how he found the strength. We went to pick out a headstone that afternoon. We found a stone we liked with the picture and wording from another stone...until we meet again. That night we went to Brett's family's for a dinner. At one point I didn't think I could breathe, little things started hitting me.
Tuesday, how am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to get up, get dressed, do my hair and makeup, and lay my son to rest? He's still supposed to be growing in my belly; kicking, I was so excited for when Wendy would first feel a kick. I was going to start getting out baby stuff, not be putting maternity clothes away. However, through all of this, I have to find the silver lining. I could be mad, feel robbed. Or, I can cherish that Murphy took all his strength to kick his daddy. I can be thankful that we will get to spend eternity with him some day. I can make the choice to be happy despite these sad circumstances and choose to live my life fully for my husband and daughter. We will be happy once again and that's what Murphy would want.
We got to the graveside at 10:30, Wendy had fallen asleep and I'm glad since Brett and I both kind of lost it when we saw Murphy's tiny casket awaiting us. Family started to arrive and we were surrounded with love and support. Glenn did an amazing service. Afterwards Shawn gave us a private moment, it was hard to 'say goodbye' but I had been letting go all week. We got to Brett's family's for lunch and it was just what we needed. Our family has been excellent during this trying time.
Wednesday, it's been a week. Somehow life has continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment