Swimsuit - Check!

Today I have posted a special status on Facebook. "‎11 years ago when you left me behind I had to pretend that I was okay, but now I really am! 11 years later and I'm the happiest I've ever been! I'm sorry that you missed out, but I'm glad that I am where I am in my life today." A lot of people have "liked" it or commented on it saying they love me and are glad that I'm happy, but I'm not sure if they really know what this status pertains to. If you have read my blog then you know that my biological father killed himself when I was ten years old. This last year I finally dealt with it and gained the closure I was needing. I've been happy in the years after my fathers death, but this summer (even with its unexpected flaws) has been the best summer since his passing.
I know I didn't get to leave the country (or even the state), I had to cancel a trip to Vegas, a trip to Boston, multiple concerts, summer jobs, and baseball games. However, I'm glad that I wiped my schedule clean to be a little unlike myself---no planning. I think I've learned a valuable lesson, when I go with the flow I'm more likely to see the wonderful things happening around me. I took a summer class and even though I was couch surfing I got to meet two new wonderful friends, Kerry and Katie! My grandma was diagnosed with cancer, but I've had the chance to live with her and grow closer to her at a time when most grandchildren grow away from family. Even though I have had to watch her recover from a surgery, I have had the chance to help take care of her and show her that I love her. I had to give up my cash for this summer, but in return I pitched in at the house and have gotten to see what my mom takes on every day to take care of her family. And lastly, most people would be a little bitter about giving up dream vacations (I was at first) but now I realize that this is great. Next summer I will be getting ready for student teaching, so spending time at home was something that I probably needed after all.
My father left me when I was a small ten year old. I thought I was brave, strong, and could handle having to grow up right then. Now I'm twenty-one. Sometimes I question how brave, strong and even grown up I am. I know I am brave because I have witnessed sad things happen in my life like death and heartbreak but have had the courage to continue to hope. I am strong because I have dealt with some scary things like failure and disappointment but have the faith in myself to continue the fight. I am grown up because I look around at the people that count on me, people actually depend on me to be there. As long as people need me to be here, I will. I will not take the easy way out like my father did, I will not run away.
Sometimes running away seems like the best solution, so simple. But I know how much it can hurt when someone you trust abandons you. I have loved and lost, but I will not live my life worried about getting hurt again, I won't overly guard myself. Because if you don't jump in with two feet chances are you will miss the jump all together, and what fun is the journey without the jump?
I'm not claiming that I've been the best friend this summer and gotten to spend time with my wonderful friends. I'm not claiming to be the family hero taking all the work load on myself. I'm not claiming that this is the best summer because I have an amazing job or because I've fallen in love. Heavens no, I think that this is the best summer for me simply because I have clarity. I have peace with the fact that I have friends that I don't always get to be with, but they are still true friends regardless. I have peace with the fact that as hard as I work for my family others are pitching in just as much if not more. I have peace with the fact that I have not been "swept" of my feet, which could be another whole post in itself, but I'll just give it a paragraph.
When my grandma was told she had cancer I felt like a time had started and someone was whispering "You better finish college quick if you want her to see you graduate" "You better find someone to marry you if you want her to be at the wedding" "You better get married soon so she can see your children" I had this new fear that I would miss out on something if she wasn't there. But this summer has showed me to never be put on someone's time frame. I need to go at the speed that is right for me. As for now I will enjoy sitting back and waiting for what life brings me. I will NOT be pounding down Love's door and forcing something to happen. Instead I will see where life takes me because I know that this is when the right guy will come along. I can't make someone be the right one for me, I have to let them. Plus, I am at a place in my life where getting to know someone is great, starting to like someone is wonderful, even falling for someone is amazing, but labeling them and having to work at a relationship is hard and I think I can wait for that to form on its own. Most importantly I have the faith that it will.
Seeing that my mom went through losing my biological father could have made me a cynic to love, but instead it made me realize that I deserve someone spectacular and that I should open up all the doors that can lead to happiness. Somewhere along the way I will bump into that special someone, maybe I already have, and sometime the time will be right, timing is always the hard part.
Eleven years ago today I lost my faith. I thought God had taken away something dear to me. Now that I'm older (and wiser) I know that God was giving me rain so that I could appreciate the sun that was about to enter my life. I like to blame things that go wrong on the event that marks today, but in utter honesty I only have things to be thankful for because of this day. I should stop reading into it so much and just see the good that came from it. Everything happens for a reason and because of this tragedy I gained a WONDERFUL father who I love dearly, an amazing family that I can count on, and a bright future that I may not have had otherwise.
That day I lost my faith, but I quickly came back to God. He took me back in His loving arms and bestowed on me the amazing gift of His grace. He gave me my new father, this father was the one that showed me how real husband and dad should be.
So, eleven years ago my life was changed, but I will not remember this day and be sad. I will think about this day and ponder how my life had changed. I will celebrate life to the fullest!
In fact, I think I'll go meet my family for lunch and hit up the pool with my friend Amber. Because time spent with those we care about should always be cherished, even if it's something as simple as a few hours watching Good Eats and learning about lard.