Closure

Alright this is a deep post so if you are just interested in some light reading I'd back away now.
I have been reading Lady In Waiting, Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right. I got to the chapter about insecurity and it really struck a chord. I have very insecure. I seek security from others, mostly males. It seems that I rely on guys to boost my self-esteem. The chapter said that this may stem from a lack of father figure. I think it's right.
My biological father killed himself when I was ten years old. I went through may different phases of feelings when this happened. At first I hated God and blamed him for taking my father. I missed my dad. Then I reconnected with God and relized that it was my father who took himself away and I hated him. When I missed my dad I wanted to learn more about him, but then when I hated him I relized he was no longer a part of me.
Now I know that his death may have been one of the best things that could have happened for me in my life. Because from that Kent came into my life. He loves my mother and is a better husband for her. He loves my sister and I and is a better father for us. My biological father was never there for anything. Kent is always there for us girls.
Kent adopted me when I turned 18 and I became an official Fisher. My biological father's family is no longer active in my life, but Kent's family is amazingly wonderful to me.
Sunday I realized I needed closure. I felt like I was a house with all the windows open and I needed to close some so that my life would calm down. I went out to the grave of my father's. I had never been there by myself and in face had not been there at all in years. I bawled and told him everything. Told him how I blame him for not knowing a healthy relationship, for not knowing how to love and let go. I also told him that I am so much closer to Kent and that he is my real father now.
After I let everything go at my old fathers grave I went to my grandfather's grave (my mom's dad) and told him thank you for being a good father to my mom. Then I went to my Kent's father's grave and told him thank you for raising an amazing son.
I went back home and told my mom that I was done with that part of my life, it took me ten years. Kent has offically been around longer as my father.
So that is what has been going on in my life this weekend. Peace and reasurance from the Lord.
There is more, but I'm not ready to spill my heart and share that quiet yet.